Treating People Right

The more I allow the Holy Spirit to examine my heart the more I realize that I need a constant re-calibration in the way I view people. It is just too easy to treat people wrong.

Here are a few things the Spirit is teaching me.

1) I am much more arrogant than I realize.

This comes out in my expectations of people.  I have a tendency to expect people to treat me in the way that I think I deserve.  I expect people to live up to my spiritual expectations. When they don’t fit into m expectations it is too easy for me to get to thoughts like “why can’t they get what I am saying?”, “What is their deal?”.  Notice how much “me” and “I” is in that! DANG!

Check out Phil. 2:1-11, Rom. 12:3

2) I need to be more thankful for the people that are in my life.

There are some amazing people in my life that have loved me for a long time.  I am always thankful but I do not express that to them enough.  This week I talked with two men who have really loved me well even when things were pretty messed up in my life. There are also many people whom God is allowing me to walk with and help in their journey.  I do not deserve to have the place in their lives that I have.  They are all gifts of God and they need to hear that from me more!

Check out 1 Thess. 2:19-20, and Phil. 1:3-11

3) I need to verbally praise and encourage people more.

As a leader it is too easy to be more about what people do than who people are.  I can move from one task or thing to next without much stopping and telling people how much I love them and how well they are doing.  That is pretty bad. People need to hear that they are doing ok, that they are making a difference, that they are loved, that they are appreciated.  They need to hear me, in front of other people, affirm them.

Check out Hebrews 3:13 and Hebrews 10:24, Phil 2:19-30 (Paul is bragging on Timothy)

There is a lot more that He is teaching me.  I really just need more of the Holy Spirit.  I need the kingdom to come in my relationships.

 

I AM THE DAD: Baptism, I had the best seat in the house.

Being a dad is an amazing journey that brings out almost every emotion imaginable. Most of the time I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing. Often I think to myself, “whom am I to be a dad”. I feel inadequate. I feel immature. I feel unworthy. But then I look deep into my three children and I am overwhelmed with gratitude.

I have been entrusted the precious gift of Emily, James and Andy. I have experienced so many great moments as a dad but this past Sunday was near the top of the list so far.

I had the privilege of baptizing Emily and James. Walking with them in their spiritual journey has been so sweet. Shelley and I have never pressured them but we have been very intentional to create an environment where the things of God are normal. We talk about the Bible. We pray together. We allow them to ask questions and have doubts. We talk about what it means to follow Jesus and live a life for him. But, we have never “put the squeeze” on them and forced them to do anything.

I know that the only One who can change their hearts is God.

As we have worked to nurture a home around the things of God and tried to model faith in Christ to them, we have seen God work in them. They can both tell you about how they came to faith in Christ.

Emily and James have both asked about being baptized for over year but we didn’t want to push them into that. It has been important to us that they understand what they are doing. We believe that nothing “magical” happens when you are baptized. It is a symbolic act of obedience. It is an outward representation of what has happened in their hearts. As we have told them many times, baptism is their public statement that they are followers of Jesus and want to live for Him.

There is no doubt in us that Emily and James are followers of Jesus. So, we asked them, “are you ready for everyone else to know.” And they both said, “yes.”

Sunday, September 20, 2015, they were baptized at Community Bible Church, Fort Smith and it was beautiful. What was even more special is that I was able to baptize them.

When the moment came, I held Emily’s hand and walked with her through the pack of kids sitting on the floor who had come into the worship center to watch. James followed. I helped Emily into the baptistery, which is literally a horse trough, and she sat down. At this point I began to get a bit choked up. I knew that I would. I am unapologetically a dad who cries at stuff.

When she sat down I kissed her on the head and whispered in her ear, “I love you and am proud of you.” She looked up at me sweetly as I asked her (through my tears), “are you ready for everyone to know that you are a follower of Jesus?” She said “yes”. As I slowly laid her back into the water, without thinking about it, I whispered the words “my sister”. That is who she is in Christ. My sister. As I raised her up from the water, representing the resurrection of Jesus, I let out a good “WHOO!”

I helped Emily out and James walked over and I helped him into the trough. I looked at my little man and kissed him on the head and whispered in his ear, “I love you and am proud of you.” He whispered back, “I love you too.” I think he felt sorry for me and all my crying. Then I asked James, “Are you ready for everyone to know that you follow Jesus?” And he said “yes”. Then I slowly laid him back, raised him up and let out a solid, “WHOO!”

It was beautiful. To be able to walk with them in their spiritual journey and then to be in that moment was such a gift. I was purposeful in laying them back slowly because I wanted capture every second of it in my mind. I also didn’t want to create a big splash thus electrifying our guitar player. I wanted to ingrain in my memory the moment they held their breath and closed their eyes. I wanted to capture the feeling of them holding on to my arm as I laid them back. I wanted see their sweet faces go into the water and come out.

I had the best seat in the house and it was a gift.

Now, my prayer is that we will continue to nurture a home that is around the things of God. I pray that the day will come when Andy will place his faith in Christ. I know they will make mistakes, but I pray that all three of them will be spared some of the choices I made growing up. I pray that they will love God’s Word. I pray that they will grow in their love for God and find joy in Him. I really love them!

I also pray that they will know, even though their earthly dad doesn’t know what he is doing, their heavenly Dad does and He loves them more than they can imagine.

What a good day.

Influence the Influencers…or Maybe Not

“Influence the inluencers.” “Find the key people”. “Who are the movers and shakers”? “If we can only get that guy connected”.

You hear things like that often in church leadership circles when it comes to getting things done. We have this idea that if we can influence the elite in our communities then something great will happen. We act like if we can only influence that one person then everyone will want to be a part of what we are doing. We will grow. We will be effective.

I used to buy into that until I took a closer look at the how Jesus did things.

When God came to earth and moved into the neighborhood to redeem the world, He could have chosen anyone in all of creation to be a part of his team. He created everyone so He had the right to everyone.

Who did he choose? Guys from his neighborhood. He picked the rough around the edges fishermen He met on the beach. He picked the guy that everyone hated because he collected taxes and was possibly skimming some off the top for himself. He picked guys that argued all the time over who was greater. As Robert Coleman in The Master Plan of Evangelism puts it, “Not the kind of group one would expect to win the world for Christ.”

Then, later in His life, Jesus had the ear the most influential political leader around and He said NOTHING. He chose not to influence the influencer. The one guy who could have set him free or who He could have exercised His divine power on and He did nothing.

And then there was me.

When I was in college I was far from “that one person” who was influencing many. I was really just a guy who was taking too long to get through college and couldn’t figure out what to do with his life. I was not impressive.

But, someone, a guy named Tim came after me. I don’t remember the details of meeting Tim – he claims to have met me through stopping a fight that I was involved in during a pick-up game of basketball – whatever the case, that meeting changed me. God brought him into my life to show what it looks like to be “normal”, love Jesus, and walk in life to help other people love Jesus. We ate frozen pizza together, played golf together (we got in trouble for doing donuts in a golf cart while shirtless), we talked about the Bible, and prayed together. He encouraged me, rebuked me, and ultimately helped me grow as a follower of Jesus who has a desire to the same for others.

He believed in me, and I wasn’t even “that one guy”.

Here are two problems with putting all our eggs in the influence the influencer basket.

1) If we only look for that one person who we think will influence everyone then we may never see the potential in the “not so impressive” person. That person may be living next door. She may be working in a less that glamorous job. He may be a student. He may be a retired man. She may be someone that does not have a lot of education. The most influential people may be the ones who seem least influential in the eyes of our culture.

2) If we spend most of our energy on that one person then we are indirectly communicating to the others that they are not as valuable. We can too quickly write some people off because they do not come across as “sharp”. When we make that judgement call, we devalue them. When the lens that we view people through is primarily “what they offer” or “bring to the table” we are looking at them through self-serving eyes. Self-serving eyes always devalue people.

Not that I have become a great world changer, but I could have easily been overlooked for someone more impressive. I am thankful that I wasn’t. My life changed because Tim saw something in me that I did not see.

I love that Jesus chose to use a small band of normal, rough around the edges people. I am thankful he went for a walk in his neighborhood and saw world changers in those fishermen. I hope that I will always being looking for the possibility of God in anyone.

Worthy to Imitate: the rest of the story.

This morning I spoke at my church on becoming a person worthy to imitate.  I referenced an article written about one of my grandfathers after his death in 1992.  Below is the entire article.  I think you will see his humility, intimacy, integrity, and hopefulness. 

He was worthy to imitate.

PRINCE
By Jim Hamlin, June 1992

I can’t quite remember when I first met him but I do recall my first impressions. Immediately, I was impressed by his hulking frame, the strength of his handshake and how he looked me right in the eye and called me “brother”. I found myself mesmerized by his deep resounding voice and by the way he said “Jesus.” The warmth of his smile and the tenderness with which he spoke betrayed a “gentle giant” within.

The longer I knew him and the more intimate our relationship became, the more I was convinced that he was a prince in an ordinary man’s clothes. He had a heart undivided in its allegiance to God. The passion of his life was to know Christ and to enable others to know him. If you had cut him, he would have bled the Word of God. He was saturated with the Scriptures. His character was impeccable, his conduct was without criticism. An unassuming nature and genuine humility graced his life.

In the days of ancient Rome, shoddy building contractors would hide a flaw in the column by smoothing it over with wax. Honest builders developed an industry seal “sine (without) caries (flaw). It’s the term from which we get our word “sincerely”. Literally it means, “without wax.” Brother Richard Hunt was truly a “man without wax,” sincere in all his ways.

The cancer that finally took his life also opened the inner sanctum of his soul to me. God cannot trust everyone with the intensity of suffering He allowed to touch Brother Richard. Though we could not give logical human reasons for the “whys”, we both understood that through the suffering, God was working in his life. Though the outer man was passing away, his inner man was becoming stronger with each passing day.

Brother Richard was possessed with Christian assurance…assurance that did not fail him last Thursday. He was transported from this life into the place His Lord had prepared for him. Upon his death, we might well remember the words of Horatio from Shakespeare’s “Hamlet”: “Good night, sweet prince, and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.” But more importantly, these words: “well done, good and faithful servant of mine; you have been faithful over a few things, I will now make you ruler over many things: enter into the joy of your Lord.”

Your Spiritual Life is not about “The List”

I often get asked questions like:

“What should I do to get back on track spiritually?”

“What can you recommend for me to grow in my relationship with God?”

More times than not they are looking for the “silver bullet” book to read, or formula that will make them consistent in spiritual disciplines such as Bible reading, prayer, fasting, Scripture memory, etc. Or they are looking for “the list” of things, that if they do them a certain number of times every week then they are guaranteed to live in a perpetual state of intimate communion with God.

It would be really nice if there were a list like that.

But, when we try to operate from “the list” we get off track from living in grace and end up living in legalism which results in frustration. We see this list of things we are supposed to do and we build an expectation of how well we are supposed be at doing them. We live up to that for a couple of weeks, then life happens, we fall short, get behind, get lazy, and then we feel guilty because we don’t think we are good enough. And we all have the same thought, I just can’t be consistent enough….Someone tells you “do better” and now “the list” has become a burden and a performance.

So if not “the list”, then what?

Is the “the list” bad? No. Everything on the list is really good and important.

Start Here. Humble Surrender.

Everything on the list makes sense ONLY when we begin with the constant pursuit of surrender.

One of my favorite authors said this,

“Until a humility which will rest in nothing less than the end and death of self; which gives up all the honor of men as Jesus did, to seek the honor that comes from God alone; which absolutely makes and counts itself nothing, that the Lord alone may be exalted, until such a humility be what we seek in Christ above our chief joy, and welcome at any price, there is very little hope of a religion that will conquer the world.”
Andrew Murray, Humility

We are called to to change the world and it takes people who focus first on humble surrender not “the list”.

This is seen all through the life of Jesus.

John 5:19, “The Son can do nothing of himself, unless it is something He sees the Father doing.”
John 5:30, “I can do nothing on my own initiative. As I HEAR, I judge…I do not seek my own will but the will of Him who sent me.
John 6:38, “For I have come down from heaven, not to do my own will, but the will of Him who sent me…
John 15:5, “You can do nothing without me.”

Jesus never mentioned “the list”. He model dependence and surrender.

He did tell us to pray “Father Hallowed be Your Name. Your Kingdom come. Your will be done.” Everything in that prayer communicates surrender.

Here is my challenge to you.

Embrace the practice of daily surrender in the prayer, “I can do nothing without You. Help me know You and follow You. Do in me whatever You desire.” Let that be the springboard for your walk with God.

Evaluating My Own Leadership

One year ago this weekend Shelley and I flew to Fort Smith, AR. to interview for the role I currently serve in at Community Bible Church. Time is flying by! Being an introspective person, I will soon begin to deeply process the last year of my life. I will begin to think through what I have done and what I needs to change for year two. That is typically a healthy process for me when done well.

Regardless of the leadership roles I have held over the years they all have at least one thing in common, leading people is hard. Any leader who doesn’t admit that is probably not giving much attention to leading well.  It takes work.

A few years ago I was walking through a stretch of frustration as leader, wondering if what I was doing was making any difference. I imagine other leaders walk through similar times.

During that season I realized that my leadership needed consistent evaluation by me, those that lead me, and those that I lead.  Out of that realization I came up with this list of questions.  I try to work through these a couple of times a year and make adjustments the best I can. Sometimes I “pass” other times the “grade” is less than impressive.

Leadership Questions

1) Is it clear where I am pursuing to lead us? Clear to me? Clear to those I am leading.

2) Are our vision/mission/goals easily understood in practical terms? Do those I am leading know what to do and why they are doing it?

3) Are my expectations clear and realistic as it relates to the leadership ability? Can they do what they need to do? Am I holding them accountable for what they need to do?

4) What are we producing? Is our fruit consistently moving closer to reflecting our long term vision?

5) Am I doing my best at what I do best? Do I know what that is? Am I ok with it?

6) Do I love those I lead for who they are more than for what they do? Do I view them as brothers and sister or workers? How am I guarding against reducing them from people with souls to producers of goods?

I Am the Dad: An Adventure with James

A couple of years ago I decided to start a tradition during Christmas when I would spend an entire day with each of my children. This has been such a fun way to nurture my relationship with each of them.

The adventures haven’t always gone exactly as planned, but they have provided great stories.

Two Christmases ago James had decided that he wanted to hike to the top of a mountain on our day together. It would be his first mountain to hike. So I scouted out our mountain and started planning our day. Unfortunately James got sick during Christmas and our adventure had to be postponed.

But, I was committed. I want my kids to know that when I say I am going to do something, I follow through. I want to be a dad of my word.

We were living in Clemson, SC at the time and were planning to jump the border into Georgia and hike to the top of Rabun Bald. Rabun Bald is the second highest point in Georgia at nearly 4700 feet. It was going to be a great hike.

It took waiting until April for everything to be in order. A great mountain. A beautiful day. Good health. It all came to pass Easter weekend. We got up that morning and went to the early church service and then headed to the mountains.

Our plan was simple enough. Drive about an hour. Stop for lunch, at the place of James’ choosing. Change clothes and then get to the trail. We were starting later than I wanted but I knew we would be fine as long as we didn’t waste much time at lunch

We stopped for lunch where all great mountain climbers fuel up for the climb, McDonalds. Nothing like McNuggets before the climb.

As soon as we ate the last bite I was ready to get going. I grabbed our bag of clothes as James and I rushed into the bathroom to change.

Now for the, “haven’t always gone as planned part.” As we were casually changing into our mountain man clothes in the stall, I heard the voice of child talking. As I thought to myself, “That is a funny sounding boy”, I realized it was the voice of a very young girl. My first thought was something like, “A dad must be here with his daughter and had to bring her in the men’s room.”  I had done that when my daughter was younger. You just get them in and out as fast as you can. You do what you have to do.

Then, I heard the parent speak.

It was the voice of a woman. Not good.

Now my first thought was, “They are in the wrong bathroom. This is going to be awkward for them. Can’t they read bathroom signs?” As I processed the moment further, I began to question my own geographical certainties. “Where am I?”

As I carefully and fearfully peaked through the crack in the stall door, I saw another person walk in and my geographical uncertainties cleared up.

It was woman.

We were trapped in the McDonalds women’s bathroom.

Half in church clothes. Half in hiking clothes. One shoe on. One shoe off. I looked at James and in a panic motioned for him to remain silent. As my eyes looked down and to the right, I could see the feet of the lady in the stall next to us.

All that was between us and this unsuspecting lady was ¾ inches of bathroom stall wall. Not good. Not good at all.

We grabbed everything in our arms and waited for the mother/daughter pair to leave. As long as the lady in the stall next to us stayed there for about 5 more seconds and no one else came in, I believed we could get out. We would have to be fast.

I motioned to James to get ready to run and not to stop. I counted to three with my fingers and we ran.

Making it out in time we stopped to gain our composure at a booth far from bathrooms. At this point I just wanted to find my keys and get out of there as fast as possible. I found my keys but my wallet was nowhere to be found. It then dawned on me that I might have dropped it in the ladies room.

What do I do now? Let’s just say that there is nothing like explaining to a teenage McDonald’s employee that you may have left your wallet in the ladies room when you are not lady. You should give it try.

I got my wallet.

James and I went to the car and laughed hard. I also thought to myself, “That’s almost the kind of stuff grown-ups got to jail for.”

We did make to the trail and ultimately to the top of Rabun Bald. We laughed all the way up and down the mountain about our adventure in the ladies room at McDonalds.

FYI – We always double check the bathroom signs these days.

At the start of the hike

4700 ft above sea level. The top!

I Wish We Would Have Done this Early in Our Marriage

Shelley has been a place of wisdom and help for me. She has been amazing at helping work through so many decision, both big and small in my life.

There have been times when I have not been able to think clearly and she has thought for me. There have been times when I wasn’t at my best and she has been my strength. I would have made a lot more bad decisions if I did not have her to lean on. There have also been times when I have been that for her.

But, then comes those moments when we are faced with a decision and neither one of us is at our best to know what is right.

Those are tough moments that I believe can be navigated well. I believe that because we learned the hard way.

That happened to us in 2006 while living in Boston. We had been walking through a 3 years stretch that included moving across the country to start a church. We experienced the birth of our first two children. We had deaths and near tragedies in our families. Ministry was as hard as it had ever been in my life. It was an amazing stretch of time but also a hard stretch of time. We were tired, to say the least.

During that year, we began looking for a “way out” of our circumstances believing that a change would make life easier. The big mistake was that we nearly isolated ourselves in the decision making process. When an opportunity came, we took it without any significant input from anyone.

Though we had great friends in our lives, we never really opened ourselves up to the counsel of another married couple.

Neither one of us was really in a place emotionally to make the important decision we were attempting to make. As a result, I believed we missed God in that decision and we paid the price for that. (See My Biggest Fan)

I regret that one decision more than any other we have made in our marriage.

There would have been so much value in having an older married couple in our lives that we trusted, that knew our marriage, and that we allowed to speak into our marriage.

I think of it like this. We go into marriage having no idea what marriage is really like. We had never made major life decisions like you do in marriage. We had never dealt with conflict like you do in marriage. We had never dealt with money like you do in marriage. Yet, for the most part, we go into marriage and attempt to do these things alone as a couple.

Married couples, especially those in their first few years of marriage, need the outside voice of a couple who loves them and is willing to speak wisdom into their marriage.

Here is the tricky thing:

To be completely honest though, because of my own pride, I am not sure that I would have welcomed that kind of input. I don’t know this for a fact, but my guess is that many men would feel the same. Men don’t like to “ask for directions” but we need to humble ourselves, admit we need them, and pull over and ask for help. The same is true for our marriages. We need to pull over and ask for directions.

If I could go back and have that kind of couple in our life I would have asked them things like:

1) What decisions should we be making now with our money that we don’t even know to make?
2) How do we make decisions when we can’t come to an agreement?
3) How do you fight?
4) Do you see anything in our communication or lack of communication that we may not be seeing?

Then, when big decisions, like a potential move across the country, are on the table I would want to ask them what they think. Does this make sense? Are we approaching it right? Should we even make this decision? Are there red flags?

I would want to be open and teachable when they would say things like, “We think you need to slow down.” “You two are not thinking straight.” “We don’t see this as a wise decision right now.” “Have you thought about it from this angle?”

I know that would have been hard, but I also know it would have been good.

If you are looking for that couple, then who should it be? These are my initial thoughts.

1) One that you believe sets a good example in marriage.
2) One that you can spend face-to-face time with on some kind of regular basis.
3) One that has already made some decisions in their marriage.
4) One that you trust will have your best interest in mind.
5) One that will be honest with you even if it is hard.

I believe that if I were humble enough and had pursued that type of couple to be in our lives, we could have made some much better decisions early on.

Now, we have that in our lives and it is refreshing and life giving.

I wish we would have done that early in our marriage. Better late than never.

What Writing About Our Marriage has Taught Me About Marriage

When I started this little blog back in December it was because of my wife. She didn’t make me do it or even know that I was doing it. I started it because it was an inexpensive and creative anniversary gift for her. I wanted her to know that I wanted the world to know how great of a wife she has been for 16 years. (See 16 Things). I wrote the first post, published it, and then told Shelley to go check out my new blog. It was a fun moment.

After I wrote that first blog post I started thinking of some of the great stories that have shaped our marriage and started writing. It has been incredibly fun to think about our adventures and decisions, both good and bad. Shelley has read everything I have written before I have posted it.

It has been a great exercise in growing in gratitude for my marriage. Here are a few things that writing about my marriage has taught me about my marriage.

1) I want to communicate gratitude not arrogance
I do want everyone to know that I have a great marriage. I want people to know that we are learning how to love each other well.

But, I also want to be sensitive to those who may be walking through a hard marriage or coming out of a failed marriage. I don’t ever want to give the impression that, if you haven’t experienced what we have, then you have failed. I don’t ever want to unintentionally communicate that my marriage is perfect. I don’t ever want anything I write to cause frustration to someone who may have a different experience.

I don’t ever want to give off that “my dad can beat up your dad” attitude about my marriage.

I know many people who are walking through hard seasons in their marriage. I know many couples who have not made it through their hard seasons with their marriage intact.

Hopefully, I have communicated gratitude and even an encouraging thought or two.

2) It has taken both of us to have the kind of marriage we have
As I have reflected on a lot of our big moments and stories, it has highlighted the fact that it has taken both of us. That may seem like a no brainer but it can never be said enough and no one said it better than Marvin Gaye and Kim Weston, “It takes two baby.”

Within the first year of our marriage we moved from Little Rock, AR. to Fort Worth, TX. for me to finish graduate school. I will never forget the moment when we were about to walk out of our first apartment for the last time. Shelley got emotional as we hugged. Stepping out into our first adventure, through her tears she said, “We come as a package”.

We have been saying and living that statement out ever since. We have had that statement on a piece of paper hanging on our fridge since May of 1999.

There have been so many decisions about life, parenting, and our relationship that have taken every bit of both of us. There have been moments when I have had to lean completely on Shelley to help me get through hard moments. There have been moments when she has had to lean on me in the same way.

I can’t imagine having to carry our marriage by myself for the past 16 years. I am grateful for our partnership in life.

3) All of our marriages have a big target on their backs.
I can’t ever imagine our marriage falling apart but I don’t ever want to let my guard down. As 1 Peter 5:8 says. “Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.”  I have known several couples who have appeared to have invincible marriages only to see them fall apart. It is heart breaking.

It does remind me that the moment I think my marriage is invincible it is the moment we open ourselves up to attack.

I want to keep my guard up. I want to fight more than ever to have clear communications. I want to be as diligent as ever to have a pure mind. I want pray more and more for Shelley’s spiritual life. I want to pursue a deeper walk with God. I want to pursue a greater deal of selflessness as a husband. I want to be ready for the adversary when he attacks.

I don’t ever want to let my guard down. I know we have a target on our back.

4) I love marriage
At the end of the day, I love being married. If there was a way to count the laughter and smiles I have had in my marriage it would outnumber the fish in the ocean. I love the adventure of raising our kids together. I love navigating the complexities of life together. I love just being together.

I picture the day when we are old and still laughing and smiling, enjoying this gift we have been given, the gift of each other.

I love marriage.

I know I could come up with more things that writing about my marriage has taught me but I don’t want to brag.

She Kicks Me Out From Time to Time

Shelley kicks me out from time to time.

She will look me in the eye, like she did about 10 minutes ago, and says, “I don’t know where you can go but you need get away. You need to go spend the night somewhere.” She said that, not because she is mad or we are in a fight. Not because she is sick of me or needs a break.

She kicks me out because she knows that about once a year I need it for my own good. She knows what I need to refuel and she helps make it happen.

This is one of the ways we have learned to embrace each others differences for the others good. The fact that Shelley is an extrovert and I am an introvert matter deeply to our understanding of how to love each other well. (See We Are Different)

Early in our marriage, Shelley figured out that I needed alone time every now and then to think and refuel. By “alone time” I mean either an entire day or couple of days away from everything and everyone. She figured this out about me because I told her. I’m not sure that she understood it at first since we are so different, but she sacrificed to understand it.

I work in an extrovert’s world as a pastor. There is tons of output. There is a lot of time spent around people and I love it! But, the longer I am around people the more I am drained. The more I am drained, the more challenging it becomes for me to love people well, including my family.

For me to love well and to be emotionally healthy, Shelley has learned that I need to intentionally refuel. We are very different, so she has had to work to learn what I need and embrace it for my good. The same is true for me. I have had to learn and adjust to what she needs.

She helps me refuel in two basic ways.

1. The Little Fuel
Reality for most people, like us, is that every time we need to refuel, we can’t drop life and get out of town. But we can learn the little things along the way that help refuel our spouse.

Here is what Shelley knows about me.

• I Need Expected Little Fuel – For me that is exercise. I need 3-4 days a week to get out and run or ride my bike. I get the benefit of being healthier but the main thing it does for me is help my mind process whatever needs processing. It is a stress release and Shelley understands that. She has never once complained to me about my need to get out run. She knows I need it.
• I Need Unexpected Little Fuel – Sometimes Shelley just knows I need what we call a “pick-me-up”. It is usually something very simple. Just the other day Shelley noticed that I was tired and needed a “pick-me-up.” Without me knowing, she took the initiative to get me some “unexpected fuel.” She said, “I bought you a little surprise today.” I little while later she handed me a candy bar. Silly? Maybe. But it was a simple, unexpected fuel to lift me up a little.

2. The Big Fuel
Big fuel happens for me about once a year. It is the “you need to go spend the night away by yourself” moments. Not everyone needs or is able to do this. There have been times when spending a night a way has not been practical. One those occasions, I just take a day and go somewhere where I can think, pray, and rest.

There are those times when it has worked out for me to get away for night alone. The key is that Shelley knows that I need it and she encourages me to go. It is something I don’t take for granted.

Helping each other refuel can look many different ways in all marriages but I think these thoughts are important.

1) Learn what refuels your spouse and sacrifice to make it happen.

For me to get way requires a sacrifice on Shelley’s part. If you and your spouse are different, like Shelley and I, part of the sacrifice is simply embracing the differences and adjusting to them.

2) Be honest with your spouse about what refuels you.

I don’t like guessing games in any part of marriage. If you want your spouse to understand what you need along the way, don’t expect them to figure it out. In a gracious, non-demanding way tell them.

We all know that being refueled helps the health of your marriage. So help each other.

Be like Shelley. Kick each other out from time to time.